Today's youth live in a world in which media exposure brings an onslaught of sexual subjects, often divorced from intimacy and presented in superficial and distorted terms. Yet, within American families, a centuries-old legacy has made talking about sex taboo—even though studies show that kids who grow up in families where sexuality is openly discussed are healthier, happier, and more likely to postpone participation in a range of risky behaviors, including sexual activity.

Still, for many of us, “the talk” went something like this: Mom and Dad sat you down when you were about 12 years old and announced, amid pauses and nervous seat-shifting, that it was time to learn about "the birds and the bees." The entire talk took two minutes, max, with Dad explaining in clinical terms—or, even worse, in bizarrely dated slang terms—the physical mechanics that happen between adults, while you fidgeted in your chair, nodding occasionally in horror. At the first opportunity, you escaped to your room and spent the next few hours trying to erase the talk from your memory. Not an effective method.

Parents today can and should do much better. Even if you’re uncomfortable talking about sex, it’s critical to your child’s development that you start a positive, open dialog. Parents are the most important sex educators for their children.

So how can you best approach “the talk” with your children? For starters, you should never think of it as just one discussion. Talking to your child about sex needs to be an ongoing conversation. And you need to start the dialog early. By starting to talk about sexuality at a young age, you spread the discussion over many years and it becomes natural for your child to turn to you with any sex-related questions. If you’re not providing your child with answers, he or she is still definitely getting the information, but from friends, the Internet, or other—probably unreliable—sources. Children mature and develop on their own timelines, but the following general guideline can suggest when you should start discussing sex-related topics with them.

Ages 2-3

Teach the names of private body parts, using clear, simple words, such as “penis” and “vagina.”

Ages 4-5

Provide a general idea of where babies come from and how they’re born. Stick with a literal explanation, in words your child can understand.

Ages 6-7

Explain the basic idea about intercourse, using a straightforward explanation.

Ages 8-11

Start to introduce more complex topics, including discussing the changes your children’s bodies will undergo during puberty and what sex and relationships mean. Be ready to discuss sex-related topics your child may see or hear about in the news. Listen closely to any questions they have and answer them frankly and honestly. 

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Age 12+

By now, kids are formulating their own values, so check in every so often to provide a better context for the information your child's getting. But avoid overkill or you'll be tuned out.

What to Consider When Talking About Sex with Your Kids

Your values about sex

Before you start talking about sex with your child, you and your spouse should be clear about your own values and understand how to explain the differences between facts and beliefs. This will lead to a cohesive message and stronger communication.

Timing

Again, the earlier you start talking about sex with your child, the better. Hit age-appropriate topics starting at age two and keep the conversation going through the teenage years.

Setting

The setting can make a big impact on how the conversations go. It’s important to make sure your child feels comfortable asking questions and expressing thoughts.

Increasing your knowledge

Parents don’t need to be experts on sexuality to have meaningful conversations with their child. However, clearly understanding the basics about men’s and women’s bodies, reproduction, and sexuality will help you better explain it to your child. And you can always share your values about sexuality, relationships, and respect for others.

Tone

Aim for friendly conversations, especially when talking to older kids. Your child will be more comfortable opening up about his or her thoughts and asking questions about sex when he or she sees you’re relaxed. And remember to keep your sense of humor — the conversation doesn't have to be tense and uncomfortable, unless you make it that way.

Through all of this remember that parents are the most important sex educators for their children. Take this as an opportunity to build trust with your kids, and teach them that throughout their lives they can come to you with anything, no matter what.