Emotional Wellbeing

Helping kids learn to navigate the world comes in many forms. As a parent, you coach your young child on the skills needed to walk, talk, eat, and grow. As your child grows, new skills are needed to navigate increasing responsibility. As these and physical changes occur, many feelings and emotions arise. Teenage life is a whole new world for you and your child. This journey requires more advanced emotional skills that need to be taught, practiced, and reinforced. Improvement comes through disappointments and trying again. Together you can make this transition a healthier one.

Talking with your tween about social and emotional health can be hard. The more often you have these conversations, the more comfortable they become. The first conversation won’t be perfect; that’s ok. The important thing is the you keep trying; this is not a one-time conversation.

Not sure when to start? How about now? Parents find that having these conversations while driving, making dinner, or while doing something fun is a great way to start. Use examples from your child’s life such as books, movies, TV, or daily events, to continue the conversation.

You know your child best. When you notice something off about your child, that’s a good time to chat. You can use your child's life experiences, like a fight with friends or a less than stellar grade, to start a conversation. Talking about the situation, feelings, and responses from everyone involved provides an opportunity to learn and grow.

Trauma Response

A trauma is any event that is deeply upsetting, scary, or harmful. We have all lived through a trauma in the past year dealing with Covid-19. Some children will be more impacted by this than others. After a trauma, the emotional effects can last a long time. It can be hard to move on because trauma affects a child’s sense of safety and trust.

There may be signs that your child may struggling, such as: unwanted thoughts or images, negative feelings, avoidance of reminders, problems with attention, being easily irritable or “on edge.”

There are things you can do as a parent to help your child process what has happened during this time and move forward.

Listen Attentively and Answer Questions

Your child has probably asked many questions throughout the pandemic. As things return to a more normal state, they will probably have more questions, such as “Am I safe?” “Why are things changing?” or “Can I hug my friends.” These are all normal thoughts for a tween. Answer questions in an age-appropriate manner, based on the information you have. You may not always have the answers, but you can show love and support for your child. It’s OK to tell them you don’t have all the answers and look for them together. Be brief, but honest.

Ask Questions

Let your child guide the conversations, but there may be times when gentle probing is good. If you notice signs they are stressed, worried, or upset, ask open-ended questions. Help them identify their feelings and talk about ways to manage them. Oftentimes, listening and being there is enough. Create opportunities to check in with your child on a regular basis.

Do Something Fun

After a stressful year, make sure you are incorporating fun into the daily schedule. Go to the park, bake a cake, try a new hobby, learn a TikTok dance. Let your child choose and take their lead.

Practice Patience, Warmth, and Love

This can be challenging when you are also feeling the effects of a tough year. Try to slow down, use kind words, compliment strengths and effort, and be patient with mistakes. Model healthy expression of emotion by sharing your feelings and take care of yourself. There are many ways to show love; it can be physical like a hug, verbal like a compliment, or an act like making your child’s favorite meal.

Limit Media Exposure

This can be news media which is often “doom and gloom” or social media which portrays an unrealistic view of the world. Talk to your tween about what they see, how it makes them feel, and evaluate it critically together.

Consider Professional Help

If you or your child is really struggling and the symptoms are getting in the way of daily living, it is time for professional help. Your school counselor or child’s doctor are both good places to start to ask for referrals.

Managing Anxiety and Stress

We have all just experienced a stressful experience that lasted for a long time. It’s normal to feel a mix of emotions, including exhaustion, uncertainty, or even joy to be nearing the end. Talk with your child about their feelings (generally and specifically) and about things impacting them.

Anxiety and anger are natural emotions that signal us to pay attention to adapt and protect ourselves. However, if they become overwhelming, it can be problematic. Here are some techniques to use to manage stress and anxiety. These are great for kids, tweens, and adults.

Identify and Name your Feelings

Use our feelings wheel as a visual to help you. When you notice anxiety creeping up, being able to say “That’s my anxiety” can help you move toward managing the feeling.

Use Calming Techniques

There are many techniques to try. Help your child find the one that works best for them. This could include breathing, meditation, describing something near them in detail, counting all the green things in the room, or alternating tapping on their shoulders or legs. A great “grounding” activity is to pause and name 5 things you see, 4 things you hear, 3 things you smell, 2 things you touch, and 1 thing you taste.

Notice the Good

Encourage your child to think of a few things that are going well in the day when they are feeling stressed. This can help keep things in perspective.

Practice Gratitude

Expressing gratitude is a powerful way to counteract anxiety. It can also help us feel closer to others. Encourage your child to say thank you, write a list, or send a note of gratitude to someone.

Be Active

Physical activity is a great way to “flush out” unwanted emotions and helps relax you. It can be a run or bike ride around the block, jumping jacks, shooting hoops, or anything else that’s easy to do in the moment. Encourage your child to find something physical they enjoy and can do when they feel stress or anxiety.

Stay Connected

It’s been a year of distancing from others. Having strong social connections is important for all people, but especially tweens and teens. Support your child in getting together with friends. Encourage them to call or video-call family members. Allow them to participate in group sports or activities if it’s medically safe to do so.

Let Technology Work for You

There are many apps that can help promote mental wellbeing. A few good ones to consider include Calm, HeadSpace, and myStrength. Free access to myStrength has been made available by the State of Utah using code UDHSguest33.

Know When to Ask for Help

If you have helped your child try all these tips and their anxiety seems to be persistent or it’s interfering with their everyday life, it might be time to ask for help. Your child’s pediatrician is a great place to start. Or call your insurance provider to ask for a referral to a mental health therapist.

Emotional Health

Emotional health is the ability to express feelings, adjust to emotional challenges, tolerate frustration, cope with life stressors, and enjoy life. It includes knowing our strengths and what we can get better at, persisting after failure and setback, living and working on our own, but letting others help us from time to time. With some tools, tips, and practice, you can become a parent pro at talking about emotional health. It starts with knowing how to recognize and identify your own emotions and help your child identify theirs.

Identify

Tweens may not fully have the words to identify the feelings they are experiencing. Kids often talk or share their emotions through clues, often given through actions/behaviors or physical symptoms.

A child who is frustrated with a school assignment may avoid their work or talk about how they are not smart.
A child who is nervous about something, may have a stomach ache before facing what worries them.
A child who is anxious about an upcoming event may talk a lot about the event, to the point you think they are really excited about it.

If you see your tween experiencing an emotion, use the opportunity to help them name and accept their feeling. Be patient and have a feelings card handy to help them pinpoint the emotion. Remember they might be feeling more than one emotion, that’s perfectly normal.

You may be tempted to provide the answer to what they are feeling. Allow the child to help define their own feelings. Your role is to offer suggestions if they get stuck. When a child shares their uninterrupted story of how they feel and why, skills are reinforced for future use.

Accept

Feelings come and go and vary in intensity. Some feelings are welcome, while others may feel unwelcome. Accepting feelings when they are present can be uncomfortable for tweens and adults. Helping your tween understand that all feelings are valuable and have a role, will allow them to accept emotions as natural. Accepting that all feelings have purpose is the first step to managing their effect. You may be tempted to rush a child through uncomfortable emotions. But allowing them to sit with the feeling will better prepare them for the next time the feeling occurs.

Validate

Validation means acknowledging another person’s experience without judgement. This is important for tweens because they are developing their own ideas and testing social norms about emotional expression. Sending a message that feelings are welcome and important, will encourage deeper conversation. Validating your tween’s experience doesn’t have to mean you agree with their perception; simply being understood can open later doors toward re-framing and re-defining their conclusions.

Here are some tips and tools to identify, accept, and validate what a child is experiencing:

Just like the airlines recommend, take care of your needs first. Practice the steps of identify, accept, and validate your own feelings.
Expand your emotional vocabulary and encourage your tween to do the same.
Role model how to verbalize your current emotional state and how you plan to handle it. Use the phrase “I feel __(emotion)__ because __(situation)_, so I will/need __(action)_.”
Listen
- Don’t try to fix or change the feelings you are hearing
- Help acknowledge why the feeling might be happening based on circumstances. Use the phrase “No wonder you’re feeling _____”, to normalize the feeling.
Share your own experiences about how you have handled similar emotions or circumstances. Asking permission can help; “I remember when I experienced something similar at your age. Any interest in how I responded?”
Practice meditation or taking slow, deep breaths when feelings arise.
Help your child make a plan in advance for how to handle intense feelings. Remember, not all intense feelings are negative. A good plan should include the ability to name the feeling, identify healthy ways to manage the feeling, (such as breathing, physical activity, talking, or an enjoyable activity), and asking for help when needed.
Allow & encourage appropriate emotional risks for your tween, such as trying out for a team, sharing feelings when they disagree with something, or speaking up about something they find important.
Have frequent conversations about feelings.

Social Health

Social health is having healthy relationships with friends, family, and the community, and having an interest in or concern for others. Your tween will naturally begin pulling away from family while peers become more important. However, they are still learning how to interact with others and your support and encouragement can teach them healthy ways to build relationships. Allow your teen to practice their maturing social skills, then provide gentle encouragement on what went well and how they might improve. Having a good framework of how to have healthy relationships with peers and adults can set them up for lifelong success.

With all the distancing we’ve done over the last year, social interactions may feel strange to your tween. Talk to them about how to interact positively with others to make meaningful connections. Encourage them to talk to someone new, be open, practice listening, and to be themselves. Acknowledge things may be awkward at first but will get better with practice. Middle school is a time to explore and friendships often change. Remind them every kid feels nervous. Establishing clear routines and rituals for various times of day like mornings and after school provides structure.

Connection

Family Involvement

Making time for family time is key in helping tweens build social health. Family engagement will and should look different for every family. Family time needs to be able to work for your family, but there are things that you can build in.

Time for conversation, 10 minutes a day can go a long way.
Watch TV or movies together and spend online time with your tween.
Learn about and have them try to teach you their hobbies.
Unplug as a family and do something together. Go outside or play a game.

Set clear boundaries with your tween and follow through with those expectations. While it is never fun to “be the bad guy,” your tween will appreciate it. Involve your tween (when appropriate) in setting family rules and consequences.

Healthy Relationships

Adults can help tweens build relationship skills by role modeling and talking about what a healthy relationship looks like. Healthy relationships take work, but helping a tween learn what makes good relationships is a lifelong lesson.

It is important to remember that while adults have years of experience navigating relationships (platonic or romantic), this is new territory for tweens. Talk about your own relationship experiences & outcomes; share both successes and failures to help your tween appreciate how tricky relationships can be. Ensure that you highlight how you handled when a relationship ends.

Healthy relationships share certain characteristics that teens should be taught to expect. They include:

Mutual respect
Trust
Honesty
Compromise
Individuality
Good Communication
Anger Control
Fighting fair
Problem solving
Understanding
Self-confidence
Being a role model

Unhealthy relationships are marked by characteristics such as disrespect and control. It is important for youth to be able to recognize signs of unhealthy relationships before they escalate. Help your tween practice how to have hard conversations by role playing at home.

Skills

Think about your own social interactions during a day. It takes a lot of skill to navigate with family, co-workers, and strangers. These skills are often referred to as “social skills”. They are the tools a person needs to be able to communicate, learn, get their needs met in healthy ways, make friends, keep themselves safe, and ultimately develop healthy relationships. Tweens need reminders as they have new life experiences which social skills to use or build upon. Allow failure & coach them on how to resolve issues by focusing on their independent skills. Building these skills will take time and practice; however, you can be a role model and guide for your tween.

Encourage face-to-face communication and contact for your tween. This will help your tween develop skills to “read” people, build confidence in social situations, and help provide connection between peers and others.

Here are some tips for face-to-face communication. In a digital world, your tween may need to be specifically coached on these skills.

Listen actively. Paying attention to what the other person says, acknowledging what they say, and stating it back to them helps maintain conversations.
Give time to the person you are with. Limit distractions by putting down a phone/device and removing earbuds.
Practice appropriate eye contact when engaging with others.
Practice politely interrupting and disagreeing with others. This is an important skill for everyone to have.

Skills are commonly built when a tween has opportunities to engage with groups of kids through sports or hobbies they enjoy. Encourage tweens to become involved in arts, music, sports, or other hobbies to practice engaging with other tweens.

One way to blend emotional and social health is to share feelings with others. Try using I statements such as: “I feel __(emotion)__ when you _(_specific action)__ because __(effect)__”.

Conversation Starters

At times, getting a conversation started with a tween at times can seem impossible. Here are some tips on how to get a conversation started.

Keep it informal
Think about the timing. Immediately after school or an event may not be the time to check in. Explore options such as meal time, car time, or bedtime.
If you don’t get much, try a different question or topic.
Be comfortable with silence. Giving time for the tween to answer sometimes allows for better conversation.

If you are struggling to get more than a one-word response from your tween, try some of these questions or any other open-ended question.

How was today on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being terrible and 10 being terrific. What made it that way?
What was the high point and low point of your day?
Tell me the good news and the bad news about your day.
What is a thought or feeling you had today?
What was something you learned today?
What happened today that you did not expect?
What is a new experience you had this week?
What is something you have done recently that you are proud of?
How have you helped someone recently? How has someone helped you recently?
What are you looking forward to these days?
What do you like most about school? What do you like least about school?
If your tween seems preoccupied; ”I’m wondering what you are thinking about. Would you be willing to talk to me about it?”

Conversation Tips

It can be frustrating when your tween won’t communicate. Be patient and keep trying. Research shows that even though middle school is a time when tweens begin to pull away, they still want and need your attention and approval. Being open, empathetic, and non-judgmental will most likely lead to a better outcome. Look over this chart and see if changing the way you talk to your tween elicits a different response.

Try saying/doing this:

Tell me...
Describe...
What was that like?
How could/would you do it differently in the future?
Using humor (when appropriate)
Reminding that failure is ok
Name and ask about feelings "Are you feeling scared?"
What are your questions?

Avoid saying/doing this:

Stop crying or being upset
Why did you...?
What's wrong with you?
Don't you ever listen?
I told you this would happen!
Don't negate their experiences or replace their experience with your own "when that happened to me, I sucked it up."
Avoid putting your feelings on your kid "I bet you'll be mad if you fail this test."

Online Activity

Many parents have concerns about what their tweens are doing online. The internet is a vast place with a full range of content, everything from the positive and educational to dark and troublesome. Being aware of what your tween is doing online can allow for discussion and skills building.

Remember that not all time online is equal. If your tween is spending most of their online time on things like schoolwork, educational websites, and building healthy social connections, you may not need to be strict on time limits. However, if most of their time is on time-wasters, degrading content, or sites that lead them to feel bad about themselves, consider installing time limits on these types of activities or redirecting to more positive content.

Tweens and teens still need help mastering self-regulation. This can be especially difficult on social media, which is designed to be captivating. Monitor your tweens social media accounts and talk about the interactions that happen. Encourage a balance across all the things they do in a day, including online activities.

Below are links to other valuable resources that may be helpful for your and your family:

Talk to Tweens

Start the Conversation

Download the Feelings Wheel

Download the Talk to Tweens Safety Card