Shelley Egley, director of patient advocacy
This world-wide pandemic doesn’t mix well with the tradition of holding intimate family Thanksgiving dinners. It’s not often that a Thanksgiving dinner has the potential to become a miniature super-spreader event that could bring serious illness or even death to a family.
Intermountain experts recommend you plan Thanksgiving celebrations that include only the people who live with you in your home, but that might not go over too well with those who don’t see the daily impact the virus is having on our patients or our caregivers. How do you explain to family members why you want to break a tradition to save a tradition?
Shelley Egley, director of patient advocacy, and Cherie Frame, infection prevention director, offered some suggestions on how to handle these delicate conversations when it comes to family gatherings:
- Think about the risks involved with the traditional large family dinner. Shelley says it’s important to decide how much risk you’re willing to take and how willing you are to put others at risk by participating in a large Thanksgiving gathering. And then you have to decide what your boundaries are and share them with your extended family.
- Listen to your family’s opinions if they see things differently. “We can say how we feel but it’s important to listen to them to understand how they're feeling,” Shelley says. “We need to listen to them to understand their concerns, not just so we can come back with our own comments.”
- Ask them what they think is hard about your proposal and then share your feelings. Shelley says you might first acknowledge holding separate Thanksgivings is a difficult idea to accept and then ask, “What’s the hardest thing about this for you?” And then listen to them. Then you can come back and say, “The hardest thing about this for me is that I really love spending time with my family. I love you guys, and this is the time of year when we all get together as a family. But I’m really scared about what this will look like if I get this disease. There’s no guarantee if you get it, that you’re going to have just mild cold symptoms. You might end up in the hospital, or even pass away.”
Cherie Frame, infection prevention director
- Lead with “I statements.” For example, saying something like, “I’m concerned I could pass on COVID-19 to you,” would be better than saying, “Aren’t you concerned people could get seriously ill because of our Thanksgiving dinner?
- Don’t offer long, detailed, debatable reasoning for your concerns. Just say you don’t feel safe in such close gatherings and you don’t want to risk passing on the virus to someone else. “How do you argue with someone who just wants to keep themselves and you safe?”
- Look for solutions that will make both sides feel safe. Shelley says you might pose this question: “How can I support you and ensure we’re both safe?”
- Make it about helping out front-line workers. Cherie says you might want to explain you’ve seen first-hand what kind of toll the virus is taking on our caregivers who care daily for COVID-19 patients. “Our hospitals are currently struggling to meet the needs of the increasing numbers of sick patients who are coming in,” she says. “It’s not sustainable to continue caring for more and more people needing help with COVID. We’re currently asking our caregivers to work extra shifts to care for people and they’re working beyond what they normally do.” She suggests we can show our gratitude to those who put themselves at risk by having Thanksgiving dinner with just the people who live with us.
What if you still decide to get together with extended family for Thanksgiving dinner?
- Quarantine before the big dinner. If you do plan to get together with others for Thanksgiving dinner, Shelley likes the idea of going into quarantine for two weeks before the holiday.
- Sit at separate tables. Cherie says if people do have multiple families together for Thanksgiving dinner, they should have each family sit at a separate table and keep their masks on all the time unless they’re eating.
- Just have one person handle the stuffing and gravy spoons. Cherie says instead of eating buffet style, one person wearing masks and gloves should go around and serve each person. That way everyone isn’t handling the same serving utensils.
If one family doesn’t see the risks involved in a large family gathering this year but another does, it will require some communication to work things out and that’s not always easy, Cherie and Shelley say.
“Sometimes taking the safe path is not going to be the easy approach but remind yourself why you want to sacrifice this year,” Cherie says. “It’s about protecting those you love and being smart with your own health. It’s also about how many chairs will be around the Thanksgiving table next year. The virus won’t be taking any holidays this year.”