Several months ago, a patient came to the Intermountain Psychiatry and Counseling clinic in St. George and handed his provider a bullet. He said before he’d sought help, he’d kept the bullet to use on himself if his depression and hopelessness ever became too much to bear. But he said, thanks to the compassionate help he’d received at the clinic, he no longer needed it.
Mikala Ott
“The provider brought the bullet into my office and asked me what she should do with it,” says Mikala Ott, clinic manager. “I took the bullet and thought about possibly making it into a shadow box for the provider, but she said she didn’t want it. So, I put it on my desk because I really wanted to do something with it.”
Months later, the patient returned to the clinic one last time before moving to another city. He walked through the clinic thanking everyone for being so kind, helpful, and caring.
“After he left that day, I dug through the paperwork on my desk to find that bullet,” Mikala says. “Then I sat and thought. I thought about that individual’s story, thought about what people might be feeling when they come to our clinic, and how the right behavioral health team really can help.”
Then Mikala turned to her computer and wrote a poem.
“It poured out of me,” she says. “The feelings of sadness, hopelessness, fear, thoughtfulness, hope, delight, and satisfaction flooded my mind as I typed. After it was written, I hit print and save and went about my day. I remember briefly sharing it with the provider who was so kind about what I’d written. After that, I forgot about it.”
A few weeks later, Mikala found the poem under some paperwork and read it again. It had an unexpected effect on her.
“As I reread the words I’d written, I remembered why I do this job,” she says. “I remembered why having an amazing, caring, and helping team is so important in this specialty—and I have one of the best teams. I also remembered how lucky I am to work with patients who are doing everything they can to stay mentally, physically, and emotionally well. I decided to share my poem because times are hard and heavy right now. I’m really hoping this poem will help others see that through all the negative, we’re still doing as good as we can, even if we don’t realize it. People are giving us little glimpses of kindness and hope and what we’re doing in this specialty is impactful and important.”
Here’s Mikala’s poem:
The Bullet
This was the bullet that I kept.
I held it near when I slept.
For if I woke feeling sad,
it was an option I always had.
The day I saw you I had no hope,
Waiting for someone to say, “Nope,
you are loved, and oh so dear.”
Those were the words I needed to hear.
You looked at me with helping eyes.
You asked, and cared, and picked through my lies.
I will always remember that day,
for it was the day I wanted to give this away.
I’m giving it to you as a token of trust,
for I no longer need it nor feel the lust.
-Mikala Ott